Here’s a question from that classic answer lady’s column, Dear Abby….
FAMILY DREADS REPEATING LAST YEAR’S VEGAN THANKSGIVING
DEAR ABBY: Last year for Thanksgiving, I made a special effort to get the entire family together for the traditional meal. All 13 of us met at my mother’s home and everyone was to bring a dish or two to share.
One of my brothers has two college-age daughters. Both are vegan, and he insisted that all the dishes we brought be vegan! I did it, but I resented it because I felt that two out of 13 people should not decide the menu. If they wanted vegan dishes, they should bring something for themselves, while the rest of us brought what we wanted.
My brother and nieces are now asking what we’re doing this year for Thanksgiving. Frankly, I don’t want to go through that again. Am I wrong in thinking everyone should not bend over backward for the vegan meal? I don’t mind some of the menu accommodating them, but I don’t think the whole dinner should be altered. — TURKEY EATER IN TEXAS
MY ANSWER: What about Thanksgiving makes people such fucking douches? Like a 100% more douche than they would be normally. (On a tangential note, I know douche bag seems like a played-out word/phrase. But does anything perfectly encapsulate that area between wanton asshole and clueless ingénue? It is so succinct a phrase that even the sounds of the words seem to play perfectly into their cultural meanings…). The thing is, 99.9% of all Vegans are humorless assholes anyway (it’s a documented fact, trust me). So add Thanksgiving to the equation and you have a fucktard who wants to ruin it for everyone. Why oh why do these super-saints think they can do this to us? Why can’t they leave me and you alone? I don’t want to force them to eat real food – in fact, I don’t care if they eat at all. So if they want to force their food choices on me, then here’s my solution: orally sodomize them with a drumstick. A turkey drumstick, that is.