Today’s question is from Dear Sugar
I’m so glad to have found your column. I’m in my early 30s, and have been with my husband for 10 years. Our sex life has been mostly great.
…blah, blah, blah…let’s get to the point lady…
So, for the last year my husband has been VERY interested in anal sex. I was hesitant at first, but eventually we tried it. I didn’t like it. But it wasn’t horrible to the point that I’d rule it out forever, knowing he really enjoyed it. (Though he did say it was a lot of work.) I told him it was something we could do very occasionally (like, a few times a year), but we’d have to talk about it in advance. Sugar, since then, virtually EVERY time we’ve had sex, he tries to sneak in the back door in some way. Often it is just as I’m climaxing from manual or vibrator play, which completely ruins my moment. I can count on one hand the number of times in the last year that he has not attempted some kind of anal penetration.
I did my best to initiate other new things, but he doesn’t seem to care about anything other than anal. I’ve talked to him over and over and over again—nicely, clearly, not right in the moment or in times of other distraction. He always agrees to respect my boundaries. But when the time comes, he never does. If I physically shift away or ask him to stop touching me there, he slumps and sulks from being “scolded” and the moment’s done. He thinks he can “surprise” me into enjoying it, or maybe hopes that I won’t notice. Um, there’s no way I won’t notice. And sometimes he says he just forgets that I don’t want it, or just gets carried away in the moment, and I’m not sure I buy that.
I am so, so angry over this. It’s true I don’t like the physical sensation. But the more painful thing is that he is deliberately disregarding me. Or he’s just paying me lip service (and not the good kind) to shut me up and ignoring my feelings. It’s so hard to relax and be open and allow myself to reach an orgasm when EVERY time it’s ruined by his violation. I try to talk to him, and he just sulks and shuts down. He doesn’t want to put effort into enjoying other sexual things. He doesn’t understand how I don’t trust him now.
It’s been a year. At various times when we’ve talked, he’s said that anal is completely off the table. But that never lasts. He says it won’t be any good unless I enjoy it too—I think that explains his attempts to penetrate when I’m climaxing. But I just don’t like it. This is affecting my feelings for him. I don’t know what else to do.
MY ANSWER: Wow, just wow. Trying to “sneak” it in while you are in the throws of the mini-death??? Ok, unless you’ve spent the last ten hours impaled on a baseball bat, there ain’t no sneakin’ goin’ on back there (trust me, but don’t ask how I know). I can imagine the following scenario: Her: “Oh yeah, almost there…hey what the fuck are you doing? Didn’t I say before I hate being anally raped while orgasming???” Which rivals only this scenario: Her: “Hey, cut it out. No dicks in the ass.” Him: “Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed! In the heat of the moment I forgot you don’t like my dick snaking its way unannounced and unwanted into your ass. My bad. No hard feelings?”
Maybe this guy should just fuck himself since he’s the true asshole.
p.s. You should have been happy with the “special occasion anal” you idiot!